Pain, Doubt, Fate, and Love
by Toblerone
Summary: This was my first fanfic and it's pretty awful. I tried to address a few things that had been bothering me about the show at the time, but I rarely proofread or edited it - it was all very impulsive. Read at your own risk.
1. not possible

Disclaimer: okay ummm.. I wish I owned dark angel but unfortunately, I don't. Fox and a bunch of other stupid people do. Damn them.  
  
Rating: PG13 - for mild swearing and such  
  
Spoilers: Hello, Goodbye and maybe some others before that  
  
Pain, Doubt, Fate, and Love  
  
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All Logan could feel was the pain. He couldn't feel the how tired he was, or how hard the floor felt beneath him.  
  
He laid there, barley conscious from all the alcohol he had drunk, but he didn't care. He didn't care about the countless amount of glasses and bottles he had dropped, he didn't care about the pain in his fingers from cutting himself on the shards they had produced, and he didn't care about the ringing in his ears.  
  
He couldn't hear the ringing anyway, all he could hear was her voice, telling him those words.  
  
"I can't"  
  
She couldn't tell him the things he so desperately wanted to hear. She couldn't tell him that Alec was still just an annoying co-worker and a fellow transgenic, and not her lover.  
  
She couldn't tell him that she wanted him, as he wanted her. She couldn't tell him that she needed him, as he needed her. She couldn't tell him that she loved him, as he loved her.  
  
He could lose all his senses in his drunken haze, but he could not lose his bitter doubt. He could not lose that feeling about himself that had been there since he had been shot in the back that fateful day.  
  
The Fates lead her to him, but fate had made him broken. Fate had shot him in the back, making her come back to him.  
  
Fate had given him her, and in return it took away half of him. But much more then his legs had been lost, his confidence was gone and doubt had stepped in to take its place.  
  
Sometimes it didn't feel like a fair trade. There were times when she wasn't around where he would sit in his chair drinking, staring out his giant windows and damning all of existence for the bad hand in life that he had been dealt.  
  
But then she would silently creep up behind him. He wondered what she saw in the moments before she spoke, did she see a crippled man sitting, drinking and feeling sorry for himself, or did she see the majestic Eyes Only in his private moment of darkness. He never knew how long she would stand behind him, and she would never tell him. She'd just make her presence known and demand to be waited on. He would never deny her, he might grumble about it, but he would always obey her, wheeling himself to the kitchen or to the office, wherever she wanted him to go.  
  
She kept him going. Even with her own darkness that she surrounded around herself, she was his light, his reason.  
  
Then it seemed like a fair trade, he knew he would suffer a thousand shootings then go through life without her.  
  
But then when fate took her away from him the doubt and the pain stayed, along with whole new pain and a whole new doubt. The doubt that he would ever love again was there, the doubt that he would ever be truly happy again was there, the doubt that he would ever meet a person that could ever compare to Max was there. Not that he even wanted to have or be those things again, not without her. Fate took her away several times. When she left him so did happiness, and cheerfulness, and life. When she left he was depressed and lonely, and only when came back did he ever feel whole, or as close to whole as a paraplegic man could feel.  
  
But then, after he thought he had lost her forever fate brought her back to him once again, only to tear her away. Her own doubt and pain making her stay away, or because of something that was completely out of her control.  
  
The bastard virus.  
  
He wanted to hate her. He wanted to hate her for deceiving him, hurting him, for being with Alec; but he knew that he could not. He would always love her, even when she loved another man, and even when his heart ached at the thought of it. It started to ache the moment he saw first Alec's arm around her, and it hadn't stopped since. He wished he had never seen it, and then it might not be so hard. If he hadn't seen it then he at least wouldn't have that mental picture of them together flashing in his mind over and over.  
  
He hated the thought of her being with Alec, whom she had so often complained about. She had often told him about what a "man-whore" Alec was, and he had always chuckled at her joke and listen intently to a story explaining why she was so angry at him.  
  
Now Logan wondered if those stories had left out parts. He wondered if part of the reason she was angry at Alec was because most of time he would nearly get himself killed, and she was worried about him hurting his pretty face.  
  
Logan knew what kind of guy Alec was; he had been that kind of guy once. Alec was a player; he went through women, leaving them hurt and alone. Logan would kill him if he hurt Max. Even if Alec was a genetically- enhanced killing machine, Logan would hurt him so badly if he left her wounded and alone.  
  
In fact as Logan had drunk himself into the stupor he was now in, he had repeatedly thought about all the things he wanted to do to Alec. He wanted to beat the shit out of him, he wanted Alec to suffer all the pain he was now feeling, and he wanted Alec to have the broken heart.  
  
Logan knew that it was cruel, but Alec had taken something precious from him, and Logan could not forgive him..  
  
....yet, as much as Logan hated Alec for taking her away from him, Logan knew that he was a better choice for Max.  
  
Alec could make her happier then he could, Alec could understand her past better then he could, Alex could walk and Alec could touch her.  
  
Logan longed for her touch. He craved for the taste of her lips; he yearned for the feel of her skin against his own. Oh, the things he would give, to be able to kiss her again. He had kissed her so few times, but all the times he had, stuck out in his memory like a sore thumb.  
  
She was like a goddess, something that you worshiped and longed for, but you were never allowed to have.  
  
Look but don't touch; he could look at her beautiful face, but he would never be able to feel it against his palm or face. Even if the virus suddenly disappeared, she had Alec now. Alec had had the sense to get to her before it was too late.  
  
He wanted what Alec now had. He wanted her so badly.  
  
After all he was still a man, even if he often thought of himself as only half one.  
  
There it was again; his injury would always be looming gloomily in the background, and as much as much as Logan wished he wasn't, he was still paralyzed from the waste down. He could wear the exo, but he could not fulfill her needs as Alec or any other non-crippled man could.  
  
Her voice rung in his ears over and over again. "I can't..its over. We're done. Get used to it"  
  
He would never be done loving her, and he would never get used to her loving someone else. It simply wasn't possible. 


	2. painful but necessary

Disclaimer: still doesn't belong to me..damn it  
  
Rating PG-13 mild swearing  
  
Spoilers: Hello, Goodbye  
  
Pain, Doubt, Fate and Love  
  
Painful, but Necessary  
  
She couldn't remember how she had got this point lying on her bed, the tears steaming down her face.  
  
She couldn't remember how she had got to her room after leaving the space needle.  
  
She couldn't remember how she had got to the Space Needle from Logan's apartment.  
  
Logan  
  
His name brought all the emotions she had been taught never to show.  
  
Pain  
  
Sorrow  
  
Love  
  
All of these emotions, that she had never wanted, caused by the thought of him.  
  
She had never wanted love, and now that she had it she wished she had been smart enough to confront him about her feelings while she still had the chance..  
  
...when she could still touch his face.  
  
Logan  
  
He had changed her world from the moment she had met him. He had always managed to confuse the hell out of her, with his crazy mission to save the world, his insecurities that matched her own, and his blind acceptance of her.  
  
Logan had cooked her dinner when she hadn't asked for it, invaded her thoughts when she didn't want him to, and make her fall in love with him without her permission.  
  
It seems so long since fate had led her to that statue.  
  
It seemed so long since she had kissed him for the first time outside that cabin  
  
and it seemed so long since they finally given in to their feelings on the floor that night.  
  
-"Will you look at us?"  
  
"You're a thief?"  
  
"God Logan looked hot, even given the givens"  
  
"Better go save the kid"  
  
-"Pathetic"  
  
"Just go"  
  
"Dance with me"  
  
"You looked beautiful"  
  
-"Hopeless"  
  
"You're the miracle."  
  
"Aren't you cold?"  
  
"Way more."  
  
-"Lucky we hooked up"  
  
Memories of happier times, and places then the time and place she was in invaded her mind. She found that most of these memories revolved around Logan.  
  
It scared her to death.  
  
Logan  
  
That insane crusader, that hid behind a red, white, and blue Halloween mask.  
  
Logan  
  
A lonely soul who had made her less lonely.  
  
Logan  
  
A guy who had somehow, even with all his own issues, managed to sneak by her walls and make her fall, head over heels, crazy in love with him.  
  
Logan  
  
A poet  
  
A crusader  
  
A man  
  
A love  
  
He had written a poem about her once.... or perhaps more then once.  
  
Dark, forever eyes, somebody's angel....  
  
God, I wish I was his angel  
  
Stop, it's too late, you missed your chance  
  
It's better this way anyway  
  
He's safer this way  
  
It hurt.  
  
It hurt to hurt him, to lie to him.  
  
But it was what had to be done.  
  
The last brush with the virus had been too close; she couldn't risk his life again, she wouldn't risk his life again.  
  
It was painful but it was necessary.  
  
She had to stay strong and ignore the pain of knowing that they would never be together.  
  
She was strong, she was a soldier  
  
She was a warrior, she was made to fight, and she was taught to show no weakness.  
  
No pain  
  
No sorrow  
  
No love  
  
She needed to stop dwelling in her self pity and get over it.  
  
Get over the fact that she could never touch his face. Get over the fact that she had hurt him so badly. Get over the fact that she was too frightened of killing him to get near him. Get over the fact that she had hurt him so badly. Get over the fact that they had no future together  
  
Get over him.  
  
Even if the virus suddenly disappeared, she had to stay away from him.  
  
She was a danger to him.  
  
She was poison  
  
Everything she loved died because of her; she would not allow that to happen to Logan.  
  
Painful but necessary.  
  
His life outweighed her selfish need for him. 


	3. Confrontation

Disclaimer: okay maybe I can sneak into the fox building and steal all the dark angel footage.. but until that happens I still don't own dark angel....crap  
  
Rating: PG-13 - mild swearing  
  
Spoilers: Hello, Goodbye - Dawg Day Afternoon  
  
Pain, Doubt, Fate, and Love  
  
Confrontation  
  
Logan sat at his desk thinking over his conversation with Asha in his head.  
  
"Have you heard from her?"  
  
"She still won't talk to me."  
  
"Give her time. She's just scared."  
  
"Mmmm. I'm the one who almost died last week."  
  
"You don't think that wasn't scary for her? She's a loner. She's not used to worrying about anyone else. This relationship stuff, it's all new to her. It's new to the both of them."  
  
"Both?"  
  
"Her and Alec."  
  
"Right."  
  
It makes sense two loners together, why not?  
  
Once again Alec had proved to be the better person for her... damn him.  
  
Oh well, better call her about the new info on White  
  
888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888  
  
.... "You know, this is the second time he's paged you in like ten minutes. Don't you think you oughta call the guy back already"  
  
"Why don't you mind your own business? Hurry up."  
  
Max sighed inwardly.  
  
The last thing I need is Alec knowing about my lie, and telling Logan the truth.  
  
God, it felt like crap, planning out the best way to be deceitful towards Logan.  
  
Alec's cell phone rang.  
  
Crap.  
  
Alec answered his stupid phone, "Yeah?"  
  
Logan almost cringed at the sound of his voice, the voice that had no doubt swooned Max into leaving the cripple for a real man.  
  
"Hey, Alec. It's Logan."  
  
Alec smiled knowingly at Max, "Hey, buddy!"  
  
Buddy? He calls me buddy? God I want to rip his fucking vocal cords out.  
  
Alec continued talking "We were just talking about you."  
  
Oh, that's comforting. Talking about what I wonder? What a fool I am for thinking I ever had a chance.  
  
He calmed himself before talking, "Then Max is with you?"  
  
"Oh, yeah, yeah, she's right here. Hang on a sec."  
  
Max mouthed "No!" at Alec but he just smiled and handed her the phone.  
  
She gave him a dirty look and shoved him before speaking into it.  
  
How am I going to push him away if he calls me, God I hate this  
  
"Hey."  
  
It felt good to hear her voice even if he had to hear Alec's first.  
  
"Hi."  
  
At the sound of his voice she almost caved and blurted everything; she missed him so bad.  
  
But her moment of weakness only lasted about a second.  
  
She couldn't afford weakness.  
  
She had to be strong.  
  
Her tone was completely business, no feeling, well besides being pissed at Alec, "What is it, Logan?"  
  
Was that annoyance? ....  
  
Well excuse me for intruding on your date with Mr. Perfect  
  
His jealousy was as bitter, but he kept it out of his voice; he wouldn't let her know how badly he wanted her back. He had been a fool for showing his emotions for her to read.  
  
He wasn't a fool anymore.  
  
"I think there might be a connection between White and the transgenic on the news. I have hoverdrone footage that puts White at the scene."  
  
God, I can't take this; I have to end this quickly  
  
"He was probably looking to take him down when the cops showed up."  
  
"I don't think so. He just sat in his car and watched. In fact, he looked pretty pleased with how it went down."  
  
"Doesn't make any sense. The government pays White to keep the transgenic thing under wraps."  
  
"That's right, unless White's taking his orders from somebody else."  
  
"Like one of his breeding-cult buddies."  
  
Great, White has to stir up some more shit, fun, fun, fun  
  
"We know they hate transgenics. Could be they've decided to try and turn the public against you."  
  
"Maybe."  
  
I can't take it anymore; I need to see her, to confront her when I'm sober... Plus this stuff with White really is serous.  
  
"Now, listen, Max..."  
  
Here we go  
  
"I really think we should get together and talk about this."  
  
"Logan..." please don't make this any harder then it already is.  
  
"Just business, nothing more." Please, come. Please  
  
"I can't." I have to be strong.  
  
"Max..." I need you.  
  
"I'll look into it, tell you if I find something. Until then..."  
  
It has to be done "please don't call me."  
  
He heard the dial tone ring in his ear. Mocking him, laughing at his failure his failure.  
  
He would always be the fool. 


	4. a change in events

Disclaimer: I DON"T OWN IT OKAY!!!!!!  
  
Rating: PG13 - mild swearing  
  
Spoilers: Hello, Goodbye  
  
Pain, Doubt, Fate, and Love  
  
A Change in Events (in other words a plot starting finally. YAY!!!!) ________________________________________________________________________  
  
Joshua sat on the floor looking at the portrait of Annie mesmerized by it, by her.  
  
She had been the first person he had been friends with, who wasn't in some way involved with the transgenics. She had had dinner with him, laughed with him, and made him feel, for the first time, that he was just a normal guy, with a normal girl.  
  
He missed her.  
  
He thought about Max and Logan. They were the first and only people he had ever seen, that had been in love. They were his example to follow. Max had pushed Logan away because she wanted to protect him, so he did the same with Annie.  
  
For months he had watched Max struggle looking for a cure, he had watched her blush whenever he mentioned the phrase Cindy had taught him, he had watched Logan look at her with that look in his eyes, and he had watched her heart break because she needed him to be safe.  
  
Joshua new what Alec and Max had told him about keeping Annie safe made sense, but he couldn't help but think about how miserable Max and Logan were.  
  
Plus his situation with Annie was completely different; there was no genetically engineered virus, and White didn't have a personal crusade to kill him.  
  
But then again, he was a freak.  
  
A dog-man, a werewolf, a transgenic, a mutant, a monster, a freak.  
  
Annie couldn't see his canine features, but there would have come a time where she would have figured it out. She was smart.  
  
She was beautiful, she was kind, and she had a smile that made his heart melt.  
  
Her beautiful face invaded his mind for the millionth time that night. Her face as one of the things that he admired about her, it was perfect, so much different from his own.  
  
He had to see her again, even if she wouldn't know he was there.  
  
888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888  
  
Max was riding her bike through the streets of Seattle once again, with Logan on her mind once again.  
  
The Space needle was usually a place of solace for her, but tonight it was just another place to think about him; now a place little higher then the other places she though about him.  
  
She couldn't get him out of her head; the look on his face when she had lied to him, and the sad sound of his voice on the phone earlier...  
  
It was getting harder and harder to not break down into tears and tell him every thing...and it had only been a few days.  
  
This sucked, loved sucked, her life sucked.  
  
It wasn't supposed to be like this.  
  
Logan was supposed to ride up to her on his white horse take her into his arms and ride off into the sunset.  
  
But this wasn't a fairy tale. It had never been. It had always been cold, and painful, and dark.  
  
.....until she met Logan.  
  
Suddenly it wasn't so bad, sure the world was still fucked up and she was still a genetically enhanced killing machine in hiding, but he had made her life a little warmer, and a little less painful, and a little brighter. For that she would always be grateful.  
  
Her life was no fairy tale. In fairy tales the evil that is keeping the lovers apart is destroyed, and they live happily ever after. Fate wasn't so kind......  
  
She drove around for hours, but it was all for nothing. Logan was still there in her head, she could push him away but he was still there. He would never leave her.  
  
She sighed knowing her hunt for clarity was a lost cause. Fate just didn't give a damn about star crossed lovers, it didn't care about Romeo and Juliet, why should it care about Logan and Max.  
  
The world would always be full of miserable lonely people, there is no hope.  
  
Hope is for losers.  
  
...Speaking of miserable lonely people....  
  
I should visit Joshua, he is probably despondent by now..maybe we can cheer each other up.od had already begun to be accepted 4ggggggggggggggggg  
  
888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888  
  
Joshua pulled up his hood, hunched his head down, stepped outside, and breathed in the cool night air. He frowned, and breathed in again and caught the sent.  
  
"Annie," he whispered, and smiled, once again thinking of her beautiful face.  
  
He started down the steps but stopped suddenly, as another sent reached his nose. Max, and exhaust from her motorcycle.  
  
"Oh no, not good," he had to leave quickly if he wanted to see Annie without Max knowing. He hurried down the rest of the steps and jogged towards the nearest ally way reaching it just as Max pulled up to his house.  
  
888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888  
  
Max watched as the large figure scurried down the alleyway; instantly recognizing it as Joshua.  
  
What the heck is he doing? He knows better then to go out alone.  
  
"Joshua! Hey Joshua!!" Max yelled for him but he did not answer. He just increased his pace and turned into another alleyway disappearing from her view.  
  
What the hell!?!  
  
Max got off her bike and ran after him, hoping no one would see his face. 


	5. Busted

Disclaimer: I DON"T OWN IT OKAY!!!!!!  
  
Rating: PG13 - mild swearing  
  
Spoilers: Hello, Goodbye - Dawg Day Afternoon  
  
Pain, Doubt, Fate, and Love  
  
Busted  
  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
  
What the hell!?!  
  
Max got off her bike and ran after him, hoping no one would see his face.  
  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
  
Joshua quickened his pace and rounded another corner; Max didn't know where he was going or where Annie lived; maybe he could lose her. It felt kinda weird, he never though he would ever run from Max  
  
... After all she was the one who had set him free, and kept him safe.  
  
But Joshua was on a mission, and nothing was going to get his way. not even Max.  
  
Joshua continued on the way, not noticing the group of guys; he just kept his head down with his hood up.  
  
"Whoa. You see the size of that guy?"  
  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
  
Max, on the other had, did notice the idiot guys who had decided to go after Joshua, to find out the "mystery" of his height.  
  
Morons  
  
"Dude lets check it out," said one of the brilliant detectives.  
  
I am so not in the mood for this Max thought to herself as she ran after the trio of idiots.  
  
"Hey boys, whatcha doin?" Max yelled at them in a bubbly voice.  
  
They turned around in a surprised jerky motion, caught off guard. However, they're surprised expressions soon turned into sleazy smiles as they, to Max's disgust, looked her up and down.  
  
"I think the question is," said one of them in what he must of thought was a very sexy voice, "what is a pretty thing like you doing out in place like this, at this time at night."  
  
"Yeah," one of his boneheaded friends added, "Maybe one of us should take you home. I mean you can never be too careful in a place like this."  
  
The third one must have been the stupidest of the lot, since he didn't say anything at all, just put his arm around her shoulders and smiled.  
  
This angered Max, and we all know that it is a bad idea to anger Max.  
  
"Well," the bubblyness was gone "as tempting as that really is, I have a better idea." She removed the arm around her shoulder, and in swift motion twisted around so that it was pinned against his back, and pushed him into a nearby pile of trash.  
  
His cry of pain was very satisfying.  
  
"Anyone else wanna have one-way trip to the concrete?"  
  
The others were apparently smarter then they seemed, for they ran off very quickly. Nevertheless, she had lost Joshua in her haste to stop them.  
  
Shit, where did Joshua go?  
  
She looked down the two alleyways that Joshua could gone down, and sniffed, catching his sent she ran down the alley to her right.  
  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
  
When he finally arrived at Annie's house, Joshua peeked in a side window. Inside, Annie was making a cup of tea and sat down near the window to read. Joshua smiled; she was so much prettier in real life rather then in his paintings. He had missed her so much.  
  
Suddenly Billie ran up to the window and barked, surprising Joshua. He lost his balance and fell down on the ground, taking the garbage cans with him, and causing a large amount of clatter, much to Joshua's horror.  
  
"What is it girl?" Annie listened to Billie's barking also surprised by the sudden outburst  
  
Oh, no. gotta get out of here be fore she realizes its me.  
  
Annie, didn't notice him, however someone else did.  
  
"Man, that is sick--peeping at a blind girl." 


	6. Josh ain’t gonna take it anymore

Disclaimer: I DON"T OWN IT OKAY!!!!!!  
  
Rating: PG13 - mild swearing  
  
Spoilers: Hello, Goodbye - Dawg Day Afternoon  
  
A/N - some of the dialogue in this, and the other chapters are from H,G and DDA and even a little from HaSB (although I've changed around a bit) and that belongs to the fox people or whatever, so umm this is another declaimer I guess.  
  
Pain, Doubt, Fate, and Love  
  
Josh ain't gonna take it anymore ________________________________________________________________________  
  
Oh, no. gotta get out of here be fore she realizes it's me.  
  
Annie, didn't notice him, however someone else did.  
  
"Man, that is sick--peeping at a blind girl."  
  
Joshua looked up at the owner of the voice accusing him of being a pervert, horrified that he had been spotted. His horror only increased when he saw who the owner of the voice was. ---  
  
Max  
  
A very angry Max.  
  
"Care to explain to me what you're doing here?" Max said in a very annoyed condescending tone. Joshua was so sick of that tone; whenever she used that tone she sounded as if she was talking to a child. She would give him a lecture, and make him feel like an idiot. When he first got out of Manticore he hadn't minded so much.  
  
But he wasn't the little boy he had been before, knowing nothing about the world, about people, about friendship, and about love. Max had taught him well, he was a man now, and he knew about all those. He knew understood love, maybe even more then Max did.  
  
"No."  
  
Max was taken aback, and it took her a minute to gain her voice.  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"No."  
  
"No what?"  
  
Joshua had take a second to control his frustration.  
  
"No, I don't care to explain to you what I'm doing here. It really none of your business."  
  
Max was silent for a moment again. This had never happened before; she wasn't quite sure how to handle it. However, quick witted Max was not about to let him get away with that.  
  
"None of my business? None of my business!?! Joshua, have you been huffing flea bomb or something? What hell were you thinking!?! What if someone had seen you!?!  
  
Joshua ignored her questions, "You don't have to look after me, Max. I can look after myself. At Manticore I took care of myself. I took care of everybody else."  
  
"It's different out here, Joshua listen to me if people had seen you here they would have killed you, or An-"  
  
"No! I'm talking now! You listen! I don't want to hide anymore, and I'm tired of being alone. I need to be with people!"  
  
Annie heard the yelling voices, and had ignored it for a while (yelling wasn't the worst thing she had ever heard in this neighborhood), however the voices were getting louder and starting to get annoying. She was about to go tell them off when she recognized one of the voices. Joshua..  
  
"Joshua, if you want company I'll come over more and I'll get Alec and Cindy to, as well."  
  
"Max you know that's not what I mean. I like you, Alec and Cindy, but everything reminds me of Annie. Books, chairs, sitting, eating...painting. I can't take it Max!"  
  
"You have to hang on. It'll get better. I promise." Max replied in a small voice.  
  
"Like how it's got better for you, Max?" he said quieter.  
  
"Yeah,"  
  
"Max..You need to stop this, you know it hasn't gotten better; if anything its gotten worse. You can pretend that you're over Logan, and that everything's fine but I know it's not, everyone does."  
  
"It doesn't matter whether I'm fine or not!" Max yelled, angry now, "All that matters is that he's safe, and that he isn't dead!" tears were now streaming down her face.  
  
"We're different Joshua; we're a danger to everyone who's normal! I mean, look what happened to Alec, and me! Do you really want to be responsible for Annie's death!?!"  
  
"You're right Max, we are different! But so is she, maybe she'll understand what it's like for us, maybe-"  
  
"Haven't you been listening listening! It doesn't matter if she understands or not it matters whether not you're willing to be held responsible for her death!!!!"  
  
"Damn it Max, I'm not you!!!" Joshua took a breath and calmed himself; they were starting to get loud.  
  
"Max, I'm not you," this time it was said in a quieter tone, "and Annie isn't Logan, our situation is different, there aren't as many things in our way as there are in with you and Logan."  
  
"But-"  
  
"Max let me finish please." He looked down at her pleading her with his eyes, she closed her mouth deciding to hear him out.  
  
"Max I know there are risks, but there are risks in every kind of relationship...and I'm willing to take a risk."  
  
"Would someone care to explain to exactly what kind of risks you people are talking about!?!" - the voice was neither Max's or Joshua's.  
  
111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111  
  
Okay, people please I have no life, and I live for reviews. YOU MUST REVIEW!!!!! PLEASE I NEED REVEIWS!!!!! To prove my point, I will not post another chapter until I have at least 5 more reviews. - so there : p 


	7. Fate is a funny thing

Disclaimer: okay ummm.. I wish I owned dark angel but unfortunately, I don't. Fox and a bunch of other stupid people do. Damn them.  
  
Rating: PG13 - for mild swearing and such  
  
Spoilers: Hello, Goodbye - and Dawg Day Afternoon, maybe some others  
  
Pain, Doubt, Fate, and Love  
  
Fate is a funny thing  
  
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A/N this around words is thoughts and this is flashbacks. All other stuff is scene changer @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@  
  
Max was ignoring his pages.  
  
Does she really hate me that much? I mean, I know she's seeing someone else, but we can still talk. All we've ever done was talk; she has someone now who can do more with her. Would you like to be interrupted all the time, if you had that? I'll never have that. True.  
  
Feeling was back in his legs; he knew that he could be imaging it, but he swore he could actually feel his legs. When he had first realized it he had raced to the phone and paged her. But after a few minutes, he remembered why she wasn't calling back.....  
  
So much had changed. In the old days If he had gained back his legs she would be the first one to know, and she'd come over and they would celebrate together. Something like this would be a holiday, a day of joy, and love.  
  
In the old days he would have gotten his courage up, and told her how he felt...or at least try....  
  
....It seemed like such a long time since they had visited the beach, that day.  
  
  
  
"Hey. Trespassing. Can't you read?"  
  
  
  
Time can pass by so quickly.  
  
  
  
"Take off your shoes, and come here."  
  
  
  
She had changed his life once again.  
  
"I left you a little present back at your place. A fresh chicken."  
  
"Oh, wow. I see a poulet chez Cale in your future with a bottle of pre- pulse Nuits-St. George--say around... 8:00?"  
  
"I was hoping you'd say that."  
  
  
  
She had made him feel whole again.  
  
  
  
"It's beautiful, isn't it?"  
  
  
  
She was beautiful.  
  
  
  
"...and it's funny. For the first time in a long time... I feel like anything... And everything is possible."  
  
"Aren't you cold?"  
  
"Freezing... But it feels great."  
  
  
  
It had felt great.  
  
It had felt great to stand tall in front of her.  
  
It had felt great to hold her in his arms.  
  
But now he had no one to stand tall in front of, no one to hold in his arms, and no one to celebrate with.  
  
.Or, at least no one who wanted to.  
  
Why was fate so cruel?  
  
Playing this sick game, with his life.  
  
Why was life so cruel?  
  
Always going wrong, never letting him be happy.  
  
Why was love so cruel?  
  
Teasing him with things he would never have.  
  
  
  
I'll just leave a message on her machine, she might as well know, no point in keeping secretes from her.  
  
BEEP.-  
  
"Hey Max it's me.. Umm Logan that is. I um, I have some news. I mean, in case you're interested. Uh, It seems that Joshua's blood is affecting me the same way yours did- Not the virus- I mean it's stem cells are working on my back or something. I uh, I'm not sure how long it'll last or anything - I'm seeing Dr. Carr tomorrow. So uh, anyway, just thought you might want to know.. Kay bye."  
  
He hung up quickly.  
  
God why am I so pathetic?  
  
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@  
  
"Would someone care to explain to exactly what kind of risks you people are talking about!?!" - The voice was neither Max's nor Joshua's.  
  
"Annie!" Joshua exclaimed surprised, delighted, and nervous all at the same time.  
  
"Joshua," Annie said quieter then before, "thought it was you. Is someone out there with you, I heard another voice"  
  
Another female voice.  
  
"Uh, yeah my friend Max... she's ummmm sort of a uhhhh-cousin, yeah, yes she's my cousin Max."  
  
Joshua looked at Max pointedly and waved towards Annie, as if to say in some strange sign language. 'Be polite, and say hello'.  
  
"Hey," Max looking up at the window and the new face within it. Joshua was really getting good at painting; those portraits were looked exactly like her.  
  
"Hello." Annie replied nicely, still not really sure what to make of the while situation, "So ummm it's awful cold out there.. Would you like to come in?"  
  
"Yes!" Joshua exclaimed at the same exact time as Max yelled "No!"  
  
They looked at each other angrily, each one trying to convince the other that his was the right thing to do. Joshua gave Max sad, pleading look, as if to say 'please, let us go inside, please' and Max sighed.  
  
". I mean sure, we'd love too, if it's not too much trouble."  
  
"No, no trouble at all I was just reading, besides I'd like to know why exactly you two are outside my window at this time at night. Come on to the front I'll unlock the door for you."  
  
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@  
  
A/N okay maybe I lied about the whole 5 reviews things, but I had intended to wait, but then I just couldn't. I'm not a very patient person. Please review anyway, I don't care what you say, as long as you tell me what you think of it, and even give me suggestions if you want. I'm kind of making it up as I go along, so suggestions would be nice. But then again I don't what you to tell me what to write.... so whatever just review please. 


	8. reunion and truth

Disclaimer: okay ummm.. I wish I owned dark angel but unfortunately, I don't. Fox and a bunch of other stupid people do. Damn them.  
  
Rating: PG13 - for mild swearing and such  
  
Spoilers: Hello, Goodbye - and Dawg Day Afternoon, maybe some others  
  
A/N - some of the dialogue in this, and the other chapters are from H,G and DDA and even a little from HaSB (although I've changed it around a bit) and that belongs to the fox people or whatever, so umm this is another declaimer I guess.  
  
Pain, Doubt, Fate, and Love  
  
Reunion, and truth  
  
===============================================================  
  
Max yawned as she made her way up the stairs of her building, on her way to her apartment.  
  
The conversation with Annie had been interesting to say the least. However, Max had to admit that Annie had handled it well.  
  
When they had first gone inside they had acted as if the whole conversation never happened and Annie hadn't heard a thing. But Annie had been to smart to fall for that ant soon got straight to the point.  
  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
"Tell me what's going on, Joshua. Why did you lie about Montia Coro, I looked it up...wanted to know what it was like. Turns out it doesn't exist."  
  
"I can't tell you."  
  
"It's okay. You don't have to lie anymore. I guess I just got it wrong and made a fool of myself. But I won't bother you anymore."  
  
"...Annie I just..it just wasn't safe for me to see you."  
  
"What did you do?"  
  
"Not what I did. What I am."  
  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
Things had progressed from there, Joshua was right, Annie did understand what it was like for them, what it was like to be different. Max respected her for that; Joshua sure knew how to pick 'em, that was certain. Things had started to get mushy after that, so Max had slipped out; not that either Joshua or Annie noticed.....  
  
However, now that Max was alone, Joshua's words rung in her ears over and over.  
  
()()()()()()()()())()()()()()((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))) )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))  
  
"Max..You need to stop this, you know it hasn't gotten better; if anything its gotten worse. You can pretend that you're over Logan, and that everything's fine but I know it's not, everyone does."  
  
"It doesn't matter whether I'm fine or not!" Max yelled, angry now, "All that matters is that he's safe, and that he isn't dead!"  
  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
Joshua was right, she wasn't fine. She was dying. The dull ache was always in her heart, the tears were always threatening to spill, the guilt was always eating away at her, and the memories were always swimming in her brain.  
  
But she held on to her own argument, It didn't matter if she was dying inside, it didn't matter if her thoughts were constantly plagued by the memory of him, and it didn't matter that her heart was broken; all that mattered was that he was alive, and safe from her.  
  
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0- 0-0-0-0-0-  
  
"Max I know there are risks, but there are risks in every kind of relationship...and I'm willing to take a risk."  
  
888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888  
  
Joshua may be willing to take the risk but she wasn't, there was too much at stake, Logan was too valuable to gamble with, and Logan was too precious to lose.  
  
Max opened apartment door and stepped inside, relieved to have the worrisome world away from her, glad to be in a sheltered place where she could relax and collect her thoughts.  
  
"Cindy? Yo Cindy you home?"  
  
There was no answer, Max was alone in her small apartment.  
  
hmmmm, I wonder where she is... probably off with her new girl friend..what I'd give to be with my boyfriend....ex-boyfriend  
  
Max flopped down onto the coach, for the first time in her life, truly exhausted. She was emotionally drained, and completely wiped out. She was about to take a nap right there on the coach when she noticed the blinking light on her answering machine.  
  
Maybe Cindy left a message...ugh, but it's all the way over there, I'd have to get up.. oh well, it'll bug me if don't check.--  
  
"Hey Max it's Original Cindy, where the heck are you? Me and the peeps are down at crash wondering where you at. Anywayz me and my extremely fine new girl are gonna go back to her place, so if you need me that's where I'll be... And Boo quit sulking around, and head to crash and hang out with da boyz, they may not be as fun as Original Cindy, but they'll do. K boo late."  
  
Max smiled, Cindy never failed to lighten the mood, but Max really wasn't up to going out. Max scowled as another message started-  
  
"Hey Max it's me.. Umm Logan that is. I um, I have some news. I mean, in case you're interested. Uh, it seems that Joshua's blood is affecting me the same way yours did- Not the virus- I mean its stem cells are working on my back or something. I uh, I'm not sure how long it'll last or anything - I'm seeing Dr. Carr tomorrow. So uh, anyway, just thought you might want to know.. Kay bye."  
  
Max just stood there in shock, her mouth hanging open, her head swimming.  
  
What?....Logan...Joshua's blood ..Logan..back.Logan...Dr. Carr..Logan.. I have to see him.  
  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  
  
Logan was on the floor once again.  
  
Not drunk this time, just pensive. He took pleasure in sitting on the floor, the wood was hard and uncomfortable; but he could feel it, and that was extremely enjoyable.  
  
Was this how fate worked now? Taking one thing from him and giving him back another. That hardly seemed fair; he had never asked for this trade, the bargain was a horrible one that he had never consented to. He wanted back what had taken him so long to find and bargain for: her affection. But it belonged to someone else now, it had been stolen and he would never get it back.  
  
"Knock Knock," whispered a voice.  
  
He looked up, and there she was, as beautiful, and angelic as she'd ever been.  
  
"Hey," he whispered back, not sure if this was a dream or not, trying not to think too much and ruin it.  
  
"Hey yourself," she looked down at him on the floor looking so sad, her heart stinging at the thought that she had caused this sadness.  
  
"Got your message.its really great.. I mean the whole, feeling in the legs thing."  
  
"Yeah," he said quietly looking into her eyes, desperately searching for something.  
  
"Why are you on the floor..are you okay?" she added as an afterthought afraid he might have hurt himself.  
  
"No, I'm fine...just enjoying the feel of hard wooden floor against my ass." He smiled up at her, the first smile he had shed in a long time. She smiled back, a rare thing for her these days.  
  
There was a pause in which they both just stared at each other, as if unsure as to what exactly was happening. What was she dong here? Why had she chosen to come now, and not before? Neither of them knew the answer, and neither of them was sure as to what to do next. However they both knew that they never wanted the other to be away from them ever again, even though they both knew that it was inevitable.  
  
...Finally Logan couldn't take the silence anymore.  
  
"Max....what are you doing here?" He asked.  
  
"I don't know," she replied honestly.  
  
"Oh..so.how's Alec?" he asked reluctantly.  
  
"He's...." her heart was aching, she didn't want to lie to him again, she didn't want to hurt him, all she wanted to do was get down onto the floor with him, crawl into his arms, and cry into his shoulder. But that wasn't an option.  
  
"He's.." be strong you're a soldier "I.." but I don't want to be a soldier, I want to be with man I love Well, that's not really an option now, is it? I can't lie to him, I have to tell him the truth. do you want him to die? No, but I don't want to see him so hurt anymore.  
  
"I wouldn't know,"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I lied Logan, I was never with Alec. I lied to keep you safe, to keep you alive."  
  
"You lied to me?"  
  
"I did what was necessary to keep you safe."  
  
"How could you? Why? Why would you do that to me?"  
  
"You're not dead, and that's all that matters!"  
  
He stood up now in a rage, so angry he could barely speak.  
  
"Max, I..do you know how badly you hurt me... do you know how many nights I laid awake on my bed at night, wondering if he was making love to you, wondering if he loved you as much as I do, wondering if you loved him back, and wondering if you ever loved me-"  
  
"I've always loved you!! That's why I did it!!! I lied because I didn't want to lose you-"  
  
"Even if that meant hurting me!! Even if that meant breaking my heart!!"  
  
"Yes!!! I had to, even if it meant all those things in order to push you away, I had to do it!" she was crying as well as yelling now, "I know myself Logan, I know that Little by little, I'd forget about the virus, start hanging with you again.....and sooner or later, we would accidentally touch again, and I can't risk that," she wasn't yelling anymore, "I can't risk your life, I won't."  
  
"Max-"  
  
"No, Logan I won't, I won't be held responsible for-"  
  
she had stopped talking because suddenly his lips were on hers. 


	9. no more

Disclaimer: okay ummm.. I wish I owned dark angel but unfortunately, I don't. Fox and a bunch of other stupid people do. Damn them.

Rating: PG13 - for mild swearing and such

Spoilers: Hello, Goodbye - and Dawg Day Afternoon, maybe some others

A/N - some of the dialogue in this, and the other chapters are from H,G and DDA and even a little from HaSB (although I've changed it around a bit) and that belongs to the fox people or whatever, so umm this is another declaimer I guess.

A/N okay people, I might do another chapter, but that chapter will be R rated, so this is the last pg-13 rated chapter. ----and tell me whether or not you want that chapter.

Pain, Doubt, Fate, and Love

No more

"No, Logan I won't, I won't be held responsible for-"

she had stopped talking because suddenly his lips were on hers.

Logan didn't know what exactly had possessed him to kiss her at that moment, but he did.

And it felt good.

It felt really good.

Everything he had ever wanted, everything he had ever needed, and everything he had ever loved was exactly where she was supposed to be.

In his arms kissing him.

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000

The only reason Max hadn't pulled away from him when he had first kissed her was because she was in complete shock.

...well that and Logan was a really good kisser.

Unfortunately her senses kicked in, and she pulled away.

"What, how-"

"I don't know," he cut her off and kissed her again.

She kissed him back enjoying it, enjoying being kissed, and held by him. Ho0wever once again she was ripped down to earth by her own sanity.

"What do you mean you don't-"

Logan didn't like when she talked apparently, because he was kissing her again...not that she minded that much.

NO, bad, this is bad, virus, you have to stop him, bad...good, so good.

Max knew that this was not a safe thing for them to be doing, kissing each other and wrapping their arms around each other and running fingers through each others hair.

But god damn it, it felt good.

It felt right.

It felt wonderful.

It felt perfect.

They were complete, whole, total, entire, full.

He's such an idiot I can't let him do this.

Suddenly she pulled away from him, breathless and stuttering.

"What- why- I- Logan- I-Virus,"

"What?" he asked also breathless.

"What- do you have a death wish or something?" she replied still breathless.

"I...I...I just had to kiss you."

"You what?"

"I don't know, I just had to."

"Logan, what the hell is wrong with you, I mean you could have died."

"But I'm not dead, or I'm in heaven or something..." he moved close to her again, their faces only centimeters apart.

Max breathed in a slow shaky breath, taking in his sent, relishing it.

"I...we...shouldn't-" he interrupted her again with his mouth.

Kissing her hard, opening his mouth, as she opened hers.

He wrapped his arms around her again, as she wrapped her arms around his neck, running her fingers through his hair- loving the soft feel of it.

They were complete again, everything was right again.

Intimate contact was something they had never experienced very often with each other, but now they never wanted it to end.

Their lips broke apart, so that they might breath.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

And they were kissing again.

No pain.

No doubt

No fate

Only them.


End file.
